Swipe left, swipe right: finding your soulmate in the Tinder era seems like a game, but it hides pitfalls and challenges that make the search for true love more difficult than ever. Cultural and technological transformations are redefining the way we seek and experience love. Instead of facilitating the connection, however, they seem to have made it more complicated and elusive.
The search for a partner, an unprecedented challenge
Don't object to evidence, the facts speak clearly: finding and maintaining a stable relationship today is more difficult than at any other time in history. Our expectations of our partner have become almost unrealistic: we want him to be our intellectual equal, the perfect co-parent, a phenomenal lover. Above all, a "temple" that collects our needs in an almost telepathic way, if possible fulfilling them in no time. I'm not saying that, huh? It's extensive research.
This combination of factors makes the search for a soul mate an almost impossible mission, especially in the age of dating apps like Tinder. But it is only part of the problem, Caesar's part: the one that depends on us. And if we give to Caesar what is Caesar's, we must also give to God what is God's. In this case it is the "God" of digital relationships, obviously. A Pagan God, and sometimes a paid one: apps, the modern Cupid.
The paradox of choice on Tinder
You all know: Tinder and other dating apps offer seemingly endless possibilities, but this “paradox of choice” can be paralyzing. I call it the “Netflix effect”: the illusion of having unlimited options, and the disaffection that comes with it.
In reality we are witnessing two phenomena: first, our potential dates are limited and often superficial. Secondo, while average relationship satisfaction has declined, happier couples appear to be an increasingly rare exception. The new Cupid doesn't shoot love arrows: he fires a machine gun at us, and has made it harder to find true connection.
The importance of attachment "styles".
Another factor that complicates the search for a soul mate are attachment styles (or patterns), which reflect our childhood experiences with parents, or those who today we call caregivers but yesterday they were grandparents, uncles, family friends. The anxious or avoidant style, for example, it influences how we relate to our partner as adults. Good: that is, bad.
Tinder and other apps apparently make terrible caregivers: they seem to favor dysfunctional attachment patterns, making it even more difficult to create deep and lasting bonds.
Mistakes to avoid on Tinder
User behavior on Tinder reflects the trends I was writing about. There are several common mistakes that make the search for a soul mate even more difficult.
First among all, do not clearly identify the relationship objective: are you looking for a serious story or an adventure? Sometimes the intention is not expressed. Not even to themselves.
Then there are the photos: let's be practical, come on. Maybe we all think we still look like we did 10 years ago, but that's not the case. Using old or inauthentic images is a way to attract superficial and failed encounters. Perhaps, even the symptom of self-sabotage: but do you really want these relationships or not?
Future scenarios and possible improvements
To make finding relationships online more effective and rewarding, Tinder and other apps should implement several innovations. Two come to mind.
More sophisticated algorithms based on artificial intelligence they could analyze not only declared preferences, but also user behavior, also capturing "the unexpressed". What we don't declare about ourselves, out of modesty or confusion. And then, based on this "subtle" information, suggest more compatible meetings.
Again: Apps could encourage greater transparency and authenticity, rewarding profiles that include a sort of "grey dots" (or you choose the color). What should they indicate? Well, those unique characteristics that could perhaps drive many away from us, but attract the right few people. Otherwise, in words they are all "special and very cheerful" people.
We'll get there. Also because as long as Tinder remains mainly a place for superficial encounters, finding a soul mate will remain a mirage for the vast majority of users.
The time of e-apples
Generational differences also seem to influence how we look for love on Tinder. For example, Generation Z seems to value authenticity more: in research conducted by Paul C. Brunson on Tinder, it was found that for them the determining factor for a second date is feeling comfortable being themselves with their partner. Handsome! For previous generations, physical attraction came first.
However, even for younger people, Tinder seems more like a way to explore than to find a soulmate.
In summary, in the crazy world we live in, love seems more and more elusive, and the “Tinder Company” is not the one with the ring, because it seems to have made the search for a soul mate more complicated than ever. Between the paradox of choice, dysfunctional attachment styles, and the superficiality of online dating, I salute you. Then it ends up that people if he rents them, the partners. Perhaps, it is not rhetorical to say, to find love again in the times of Tinder we should look beyond the swipe. Swipe the swipe, if you'll pardon me. Rediscover the value of authentic, profound and lived interactions in the real world.
Only then can we hope to find our soul mate, after having said: "is it really you?". Or was it “are you real?". I don't remember now.
